Claire's Diary 31/01/2015

31/01/2015

Dear diary

Today I drew something on a dumb wall like a real rebel!
That was so liberating I might do it again!
Or I might send a letter of apology and clean it up.
I'm actually feeling kinda bad about the whole thing.

Claire

Audio Junk #112 - A Link To The Pasta

Beluga Weekly #314

Claire's Diary 30/01/2015

30/01/2015

Dear diary

Feeling kinda exhausted after running on a stupid treadmill for what seemed like forever!
I suppose I'm quite a healthy individual but I'm not that fit. If I was able to exercise more without completely running out of breathe, maybe then I could enjoy more of a healthy, dumb life.
Next time I hope to beat my record of 0.3 miles.

Claire

Claire's Diary 29/01/2015

29/01/2015

Dear Diary

I prefer pretzels to yoghurt. I could eat a whole dumb bag of those little guys!
Today I saw an advert for a really cool looking laptop. I need more laptops in my life.
I also found a fiver tucked down the side of the sofa! I would have been really surprised if it wasn't me who tucked it there to begin with. I really must get a new job. There will surely be plenty of time for that.
For now, I'm going to continue watching advertisements for products I can only dream of owning.

Claire

Claire's Diary 28/01/2015

28/01/2015

Dear diary

Today I was interviewed for a new job. The interview went very well and they said they'll let me know.
I'm just not sure it was a good idea to ear my lucky hat.

Claire

Claire's Diary 27/01/2015

27/01/2015

Dear diary

After a hard day of playing video games and watching old episodes of Fraiser, I'm about to kick back and enjoy a slice of cake.
I like tea and cakes. I would be having tea and cakes but I'm out of tea. I do have coffee but I don't really fancy that right now.
Maybe I'll have coffee with my breakfast? Hey! That means I can have cake for breakfast! Best idea ever!

Claire

Claire's Diary 26/01/2015

26/01/2015

Dear diary

Today was rather dull. I only managed to see 3 toucans and that was on TV (I failed to get the new set I was hoping for).
If I get the chance, I want to look into getting a new Playstation. I already have 7 Playstations, but the one I've just looked at in the Argos catalogue really caught my eye. I don't know what it is, I'm just drawn to it.
Also, I'm now realising how old fashioned I am, seeing as I still read catalogues and still write in diaries.
I also still eat peanuts because that's just the way I roll.

Old school Claire

Claire's Diary 25/01/2015

25/01/2015

Dear diary

I am so glad that coffee exists.
Soon I will be making a trip to the dump. Hoping I can lay my paws on someone's old TV. Last time I went to the dump, someone had thrown out a perfectly good LDC! This time I'm hoping it will be a HD ready set. That would be cool. I'll just have to find a new home for the LCD one.

Claire

Claire's Diary 24/01/2015

24/01/2015

Dear diary

I've decided I'm not going to bother today. I'm not doing any chores, I'm not doing any exercise, I'm just going to sit down, turn on the TV and be lazy for the rest of the day.
Speaking of being lazy, I have this friend who will sleep in until 1pm! That's stupid! You can't enjoy laziness while you're asleep! Everybody knows that! I always get up at 8am so that I can enjoy being irresponsible and lame during the early hours.
Right now I'm reading a magazine. I have no idea what kind of magazine it's supposed to be because the cover is missing and there doesn't appear to be anything other that advertisements inside.

Claire

Audio Junk #111 - I'm actually drinking tea!!!

Beluga Weekly #313

Claire's Diary 23/01/2015

23/01/2015

Dear diary

Today I bought a whole bunch of stupid stuff that doesn't work!
First, I found these flip-flops that don't fit me.
Then I picked up some milk that was expired.
Then I bought a DVD and when I tried to play it, it was the wrong region!
What a waste of money! Next time I will not be so dumb as to make these mistakes again!
Now I'm off to Primark. See ya!

Claire

Claire's Diary 22/01/2015

22/01/2015

Dear diary

I'm pretty good in the kitchen. Here's one of my favourite recipes.

Delicious turkey con carne!

Ingredients:

1 Turkey
5 tbsp Chili powder
3 Eggs
500g Fresh gravel
Scissors

1. Beat eggs still in their shells until they turn a milky red colour.

2. Combine the Chili powder with the gravel and stir until stupid.

3. Leave cooker to stand for 10 minutes.

4. Now you're ready for the turkey. Chase it around until it gets tired. Use scissors if you have to but not whilst running after the dumb bird.

5. Bake for 2 nights and enjoy.

This is such a good recipe, I might just try it.

Claire

Claire's Diary 21/01/2015

21/01/2015

Dear diary

I love my iPad! I don't know where I would be without it. Well, probably right here, where I live right now, but without my iPad. In which case, I would probably love my pencil case.
I don't know why I am thinking of love so much right now but I think it might be because February is coming up! And you know what that means! I might find the one!
Love is kinda stupid but I guess we all need it. After all, if we didn't have love, there would be no Love Train, Lovefool or Love Shack. Imagine a world like that.
Anyway, that's me for today.

Love you!

Claire 

Claire's Diary 20/01/2015

20/01/2015

Dear diary

I made a home movie today! Well, I wasn't actually at home, but it looks pretty good. I own a dumb camcorder and I filmed everything I did throughout the day, from getting out of bed, to cooking my dinner. I then handed my camera to a friend who knows how to edit digital video.
Maybe I'll win a award some day? I'll work on my acceptance speech for the Oscars next year.

Claire

Claire's Diary 19/01/2015

19/01/2015

Dear diary

This movie is so dumb!
Did they have to put so many jump scares in it?
It's making my fur stand on end!
I don't think I can bear it much longer!
Don't go in there!
DON'T GO IN THERE!

Claire

Claire's Diary 18/01/2015

18/01/2015

Dear diary

Today has been all about catching up on the reading material I acquired over Christmas.
I spent an entire hour trying to figure out where I had read up to last time, when I realised it wasn't one of my books at all! I don't know who this one belongs to. Needless to say, it's kinda dumb compared to my books.
I want to read The Hobbit at some point. It's quite reassuring to know that I'm not the only short, fuzzy creature with problems.

Claire

Claire's Diary 17/01/2015

17/01/2015

Dear diary

Allow me to demonstrate my latest invention. Gone are the days of conventional tea making! With my super high tech tea pouring kit, getting the stupid tea from the pot to the cup has never been easier! Just sit back and watch as the teapot moves in to your desired target and fixes you up with the perfect brew! No reaching, no fuss!

Claire

Audio Junk #110 - Popworld

Beluga Weekly #312

Claire's Diary 16/01/2015

16/01/2015

Dear diary

I tried an extra spicy, hot bowl of salsa today. It was the best.
I also had a few dumb chili sticks.
This was then followed by a plate of chips with extra hot curry sauce.
I then grazed on a few spiced chicken wings and a handful of Bombay mix.
I might have diarrhoea.

Claire

Claire's Diary 15/01/2015

15/01/2015

Dear diary

Hats are all the rage this season. I'm going to wear as many as possible and hopefully I will get noticed for it.
There are some really stupid hats out there so be careful. I like hats with ribbons and flowers. If they made a hat with carrots attached, I will be the first to buy one. Hey, maybe they already exist! I'm going to check Etsy.
Meanwhile, my predictions for what might be in vogue this year include, blue shoes, striped t-shirts, eye patches, tobacco pipes, food mixers, dark glasses and suede.
There. Now I can get back to drinking lattes and watching Adventure Time.

Claire

Claire's Diary 14/01/2015

14/01/2015

Dear diary

Today I met somebody who has a butterfly collection and I was absolutely fascinated by it. This guy had over 120 different breeds of butterflies and had managed to keep them so beautifully preserved and it really made me want to have a go at butterfly catching. I'm guessing that butterflies don't mind being captured and pinned onto a dumb board. I purchased a butterfly net and readied myself for a day of hunting in the garden... then it rained.
I ended up watching TV instead. But I did get to see some footage of butterflies in a nature documentary so that's something.

Claire

Claire's Diary 13/01/2015

13/01/2015

Dear Diary

Had a bit of fun at the swimming pool today. I like to splash around and frolic in the water. I'm not much into lane swimming. That's dumb.
I also spent a lot of time in the steam room. And when I say a lot of time, I mean really, a lot of time. I felt like an apple turnover when I was done.
I went for a coffee afterwards. Lattes are my favourite.
Anyway I need to get back to watching the telly. I've got sausage and mash for dinner tonight!

Claire

Claire's Diary 12/01/2015

12/01/2015

Dear diary

I have had so many stupid things to do today, you wouldn't believe it! Organisation has never been my thing. When you have so much to take care of, it gets pretty dumb. I can't sit down for a second because time is money and I mustn't waste it! I must spend it... the money... I think. Maybe I'll buy a bag of pretzels? And possibly a DVD to watch later.
Anyway, I'd better get back to work. Let's hope I manage to stay focused.

Claire

Claire's Diary 11/01/2015

11/01/2015

Dear diary

Somebody splashed me today! How dumb is it for someone to enjoy jumping into puddles and watching me get absolutely drenched. I mean really! I would have understood if it were a child but in this case, it wasn't. Basically, there are a few too many stupid 30-something-year-olds in this neighbourhood. 
I managed to dry off and get to my dentist appointment. Not much to report from that, other than I nearly walked out with two anaesthetic masks and a cylinder. I tried to explain how it happened but, needless to say, they weren't amused.
I must admit, I am a rabbit who really enjoys sweet things and even though my dentist did advise me not to, I bought a big bag of jellybeans after my check-up. I normally eat those after breakfast. That way I have the entire day to walk it off.

Claire

Claire's Diary 10/01/2015

10/01/2015

Dear diary

I have been very creative today.
I managed to mend a pair of jeans that I never wear, make a special set of book-ends and I even solved the problem with a plug that has been missing from the kitchen sink ever since I broke it and threw it out of the stupid window.
All I had to do was get an old flannel, wrap it around a plastic bottle cap and hey presto! A dumb plug! I've never been so pleased with myself. The dumb water did eventually cause the flannel to erode however so now it's just a plastic bottle cap. I would say that it does at least keep the water from draining but that wouldn't be true.
Oh well. These things take a lot of time and patience. Was it not Edison who said, "I can pick up a golf ball with my toes" or something to that effect?

Anyway, I'm tired.

See you in the morning.

Claire

Audio Junk #109 - Bulagatoons

Beluga Weekly #311

Claire's Diary 09/01/2015

09/01/2015

Dear diary

I feel like a party! Lots of balloons, music, friends, nibbles, the works.

Last time I threw a party, only a few people were able to attend, but that's OK. It will be stupid this time. So many of my friends have been laid off and have nothing better to do anymore.

I must make a shopping list so I can make sure I have everything I need for this bash:

• Balloons
• Mixed nuts
• Scotch eggs
• Mini sausages
• Fizzy Drinks
• Chocolate fountain
• Karaoke machine
• Limousine
• Swimming pool
• Cake

I'm looking forward to this party already!

I wonder if I should let my friends bring their friends? That way I can make more friends which would be really dumb and I don't know why I suggested it.

Claire

Claire's Diary 08/01/2015

08/01/2015

Dearest diary

Join me, I pray, as I lead you through the cobbled streets of Thursday morn, when I purchased a newspaper from a vendor who is partied to a lane on which many spiffing old beans reside.
I am currently sipping a jolly good cup of strong English tea and will be spending an enormous quantity of time writing stiff letters to the editors of that newspaper because I really cannot abide the atrocious font that they insist upon using. If I am to sit down for a spot of reading, I expect the words to be attractive and pleasing to my optical nerves.
There should be more English food in this country. Where oh where can I find crumpets at this hour? Who is driving my motorcar? It's that pesky brother of mine, that's who!
But I digress, you see, there will be a time when newspapers are a thing of the past and when that day comes, all will see that it is indeed, society which is to be blamed.

Pip-pip

Claire

Claire's Diary 07/01/2015

07/01/2015

Dear diary

I am pushing a stupid boulder up a hill today. This thing weighs a ton! I don't know how I am going to get it to the top of the hill by noon! I don't even know if I am supposed to do it by noon. Actually I don't even know why I am doing it in the first place.
Breakfast this morning consisted of bread and butter because my toaster doesn't work. I used to have cereal but the cupboards in my new house won't fit cereal boxes.
If pop tarts didn't taste so dumb, I may have had some of those for breakfast.
And now, back to pushing this boulder.

Claire

Claire's Diary 06/01/2015

06/01/2015

Dear diary

Honesty is not the best policy! I have experience with being honest and every time I have been fired from my job! As I write this, I am sitting in my favourite apple tree.

You get a dumb view from up here. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I could fly. But, alas, I can only dream.

Claire

Claire's Diary 05/01/2015

05/01/2015

Dear diary

Why don't people enjoy it when I squirt them in the face with a hose? Is it because it's a Monday? I know it's not summer yet, but jeez, you'd think some people would have a sense of humour about them?

I'm going to bake some cup cakes today. The birds really seem to like it when they have crumbs to pick up. Speaking of birds, I met one the other day and had a really nice conversation with him. Normally they can be very arrogant creatures but this one had a lot to say on the subject of Jazz origins. I would have stayed longer, but I realised I was sitting on a chocolate eclair and I had to find somewhere to clean myself up. I'm really glad nobody saw me. It would not have looked good.

E-Claire

Claire's Diary 04/01/2015

04/01/2015

Dear diary

Tractors are so stupid. I was passing through a country lane this morning when a dumb farmer drove his John Deer right over my iPhone. Granted I should have been more stupid not to drop it and instead of picking it up immediately, just stop and stare it it as though it were a lava lamp.
Grr! I'll never get that phone back. Speaking of phones, I bought a dumb phone today. As well as a dumb MP3 player. (I wanted to get an iPod but unfortunately I already own one. Sucks.) I love technology. When you think about it, diary, these days we can do anything from annoying people with stupid, dumb MP3s to annoying people with videos of ourselves trying to be stupid.
I really want a dumb TV. Can you buy them for less than £500? It seems like I'm going to have to wait for like forever before I can afford one.
My house still smells a bit stupid. I will do something about the dumb clothes which fail to be getting any dryer. When I get that dumb TV, I can probably use it to dry everything that comes out of the washing machine. I'm guessing those things get pretty dumb when used for dumb periods of time.

Claire

Claire's Diary 03/01/2015

03/01/2015

Dear diary

Nothing hits the spot like a good chocolate milkshake.

The weather is making me too dumb to do anything today. Why does the sun have to make things so dumb? Can't the earth orbit a different star that doesn't cause skin cancer?

It can be really dumb at this time of the year to dry my clothes without filling the air with a stupid, dumb smell.

I think my day will become more stupid given time. I will, after all, have some more pie to look forward to when I get back from work. Yum!

What are these chocolate covered cherries I've heard so much about? Can you buy them from supermarkets or is in something that stupid corner shops are selling to get more customers?

Bit of a slow day, not much I can think of to include on this page. I wish more stupid things would happen. This time last year I was being visited by creatures from a distant planet and travelling the universe with a dumb professor.

Claire

Beluga Weekly #310

Claire's Diary 02/01/2015

02/01/2015

Dear diary

Today I had a nice dumb bath. I can't believe it's been a whole year. While bathing, I read all about dumb holes, time holes, worm holes and other types of holes. I think the book was called The House at Pooh Corner.

By the way, I'm on a seafood diet. That means whenever I see food, I go on a diet. A diet which involves dumb quantities of carrot and dumb potato pie.

I think I might go swimming later this week. After taking a bath, I wonder what would happen if I left the tap running and became submerged. I don't know if I can survive waters as dumb as my bathtub. It would be just like that movie where the bloke with the gills drags a stupid person to his death.

I'm going to watch some DVDs. I love movies with death scenes.

Claire

Get your hands on the first Belugatoons comic of the year!

New Stuff #8

By Andrew Mortimer in New Stuff

28 pages, published 1/1/2015

Featuring Linkara!

Claire's Diary 01/01/2015

01/01/2015

Dear diary

2015 has begun! That means we are all listening to U2 and singing Auld Lang Syne while stepping outside and well-wishing the passers by. I did make some Dumb Year's resolutions a few weeks ago, but I think I've broken them all by now. Maybe I should just pick one resolution each year?

I am the only member of my family who has woken up without a hangover even though I bet my brother I could drink more cocktails than him and still be able to walk in a dumb line whilst balancing the Encyclopaedia Britannica on my head.

I was dumb for work this morning, but that was not connected to the festivities last night. It was due to the traffic. I really hate traffic! Traffic is a conspiracy designed to make us dumb for work and it really sucks.

I am currently on my lunch break and enjoying a pie. This is the best bakery ever!

Oh, by the way, diary, I am Claire and this is the first page of my diary for 2015 and hopefully not my last!

Claire