Claire's Diary 31/07/2015

31/07/2015

Dear diary

Time to paint those dumb walls a new colour! I'm thinking a nice shade of red. Not blood red, that's too morbid. Possibly cherry red. Cherry red is a bit close to blood red actually. Kangaroo red is too shiny. I might have to pick up some samples. What colour is my nose? I think that might look good on the walls. Unless I have a cold. I don't think watery mucus coloured walls will make visitors feel at home.

Blue then.

Claire

Beluga Weekly #340

Feel free to comment!

Claire's Diary 30/07/2015

30/07/2015

Dear diary

Recently I had a look at myself in the mirror and it made me feel glum. I couldn't help noticing how gigantic my dumb ears are and also how humungous my stupid teeth are. Should I get them fixed? I don't know if it is possible to alter the size of my ears. Well, I do know plastic surgery can do that but I've never liked the idea of that. I'm thinking about taking some sort of remedy. I guess it's fairly common to want to change the look of one's stupid body parts.

My bottom, however, is very nice.

Claire

Claire's Diary 29/07/2015

29/07/2015

Dear diary

Nothing to do today except relax and read a good book. What book am I reading I don't know, I'll check the cover... The Music Makers? I didn't even know I owned that one! I might have some difficulty with this. It's written in olden days speak. I mean, what kind of word is "makers"?

Claire

Claire's Diary 28/07/2015

28/07/2015

Dear diary

I was passing a toy shop last week when I noticed a teddy in the window and was struck with an interesting thought. Why are there no teddy-rabbits? Traditionally a teddy comes in the form of a stupid bear which I find very disheartening because it disregards all the other members of the animal kingdom. Why shouldn't a child cuddle up to a stuffed porcupine or a fluffy camel? It doesn't seem fair that the grizzlies should get all the glory.

Then I noticed there was a rabbit plushy in the same window and that shut me up.

Claire

Claire's Diary 27/07/2015

27/07/2015

Dear diary

I thought about spending my holiday in Miami but a friend of mine told me she saw an octopus in Miami so now I don't want to go. I have nothing against octopi in general, I just don't like the idea of one of them sneaking up on me with those suction pads and getting over affectionate with me. Mind you, they live in water so chances are I won't cross paths with one.

Claire

Claire's Diary 26/07/2015

26/07/2015

Dear diary

The weather is brightening up a bit so I should get out while I have the chance.

Oh, wait, it's raining again.

Claire

Claire's Diary 25/07/2015

25/07/2015

Dear diary

I used to love window shopping, but I'm starting to feel as though there aren't so many shops that have windows anymore. I reckon it's to do with the stupid information super highway. I think pretty soon, window shopping will become a lost art. All we will have is an online supermarket that caters for all of our consumer needs. No more waiting in line, no more paying over the dumb counter, no more leaving the house. Everything will be delivered to us. We might not even have to get up off the sofa.

I love the internet.

Claire

Audio Junk #134 - Blip is dead, long live Blip

Claire's Diary 24/07/2015

24/07/2015

Dear diary

It has just occurred to me that I have not cleaned my stupid toilet for a very long time. I dread to think what sort of condition it is in right now. Time to get the old brush out, maybe give it a good bleaching. Hopefully it won't take up too much of my dumb time. What am I saying? It's housework! Of course it's going to take up a lot of my dumb time!

What's on TV? Supergirl. Well, there goes that!

Claire

Beluga Weekly #339

Feel free to comment!

Claire's Diary 23/07/2015

23/07/2015

Dear diary

The best part of a Victoria sandwich cake is the layer of jam in the middle. That is my favourite part. Every time I have some Victoria sandwich I always separate the top and bottom half so I can feast on the jammy goodness. Mmm! I never bother with the cake slices. They're too dry for me. It's the jam I like. Strawberry jam is good. Raspberry jam is delicious! I'm going out to buy a Victoria sponge cake just so I can get my fix of raspberry jam!

Claire

Claire's Diary 22/07/2015

22/07/2015

Dear diary

I'm keeping an eye out for that stalker. I hope she isn't following me. From what I hear, she's been stalking a rabbit in my neighbourhood. That means there must me more than one rabbit in this neighbourhood... No, two, more than two rabbits in this neighbourhood because Florence lives here too. Whoever she is, I hope she gets what's coming to her!

Claire

Claire's Diary 21/07/2015

21/07/2015

Dear diary

I don't know where I'm going for my holiday this year, but I want it to be somewhere I can try something exciting like hang gliding, mountain climbing, skydiving or water skiing... No, not water skiing, I'm still not ready yet. Not sure I really want to do any of the others. I think I'll just go camping.

Claire

Claire's Diary 20/07/2015

20/07/2015

Dear diary

Newspapers are such rubbish! These days, they all have the most desperate attempts at getting a relevant story. It's sad really. So many times I've opened a paper to a dumb article about climate change. They keep going back to those stupid little problems. When am I going to find something interesting like the Spice Girls getting back together or Jamie Oliver buying a new house? Where's the real news? I don't see this as a reason to stop buying papers.

Claire

Claire's Diary 19/07/2015

19/07/2015

Dear diary

I've managed to hack into Florence's email count to get some answers. I don't know why she has to be so mysterious. How are you supposed to make friends if nobody knows the first thing about you? Florence appears to have a lot of junk mail. You know those messages that say your Grandmother is apparently trapped in the bathroom and needs your help? She's had 3 of those messages! She probably doesn't even have a Grandmother anymore.

Claire

Claire's Diary 18/07/2015

18/07/2015

Dear diary

I visited Florence today. Well, not visited but the door was open and I'm sure she wouldn't mind me going in. Turns out she has a diary of her own and you won't believe it, not ONE mention of me in there! What kind of friend does she think she is? I mentioned her about 3 or 4 times in my diary. What an ungrateful bunny she is! Her stupid diary is full of nothing but death threats. I'm never visiting her again!

Claire

Audio Junk #133 - Red, Green & Blue

Claire's Diary 17/07/2015

17/07/2015

Dear diary

Florence in continuing to make me curious about what is going on in her life. I know where she lives but she never seems to come out of her house. At least I haven't seen her exit or enter the building. I've spoken to her on occasion but she never seems to want to do anything or go anywhere other than where she has already chosen to be.

Come on Florence! What are you?!

Claire

Beluga Weekly #338

Feel free to comment!

Cowsplay - Taking a break

Cowsplay is going to be put on hold for a bit, since its getting a little difficult to reach deadlines for other projects. Not sure when it's going to make its return, but it will. Until then, comment with any suggestions you might have for future Cowsplays!

Claire's Diary 16/07/2015

16/07/2015

Dear diary

I'm not going outside. I know it may seem irrational of me, but I must not go out there today! Many of my friends will want to hang out with me but that will have to wait until some other time. Right now, I'm need to remain here. Right here. Nowhere else. Only here. I will stay here and wait for that electrician to arrive so he can fix my shower! I only wish I had a better idea of what time he's gonna be here.

Claire

Claire's Diary 15/07/2015

15/07/2015

Dear diary

I always feel extremely posh and classy when I wear my dressing gown. All I need is a pipe to complete the look. Also, I should put on some violin music and stand next to my book shelf. If I had a bookshelf that is. I do have violin music. Well, John Williams used violins on the Jurassic Park soundtrack right?

Claire

Claire's Diary 14/07/2015

14/07/2015

Dear diary

I'm in a fancy mood tonight. I want to look as glamourous as possible, maybe have a dinner party or go to an opera. I want to drink champagne, look at some really expensive silverware and mingle with important looking people. I want to pretend I own several yachts and don't know the meaning of the word poor.
I'm actually not a big fan of champagne. I think I'll just go to bed.

Claire

Claire's Diary 13/07/2015

13/07/2015

Dear diary

Today I went bowling with a couple of friends. I'm afraid I might be losing my touch. Previously I have been an absolute champ but today, not so much. Every time I rolled the stupid ball down the lane, it ended up in the gutter. At one point I asked if we could have the barriers put up but I was informed that they already were up. That was really embarrassing. Bowling's a dumb sport anyhow. It's all about luck. You can't predetermine a specific outcome. It's like shopping.

Claire

Cowsplay - MST3K (Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank)

Tracy: Dr. Clayton Deborah Susan Forrester

Macy: TV's Frank

Mystery Science Theater 3000 is property of Best Brains, Inc.

Claire's Diary 12/07/2015

12/07/2015

Dear diary

Ship ahoy! My vessel is shaping up and it looks like I will achieve my goal to build my own boat and go sailing! It won't really be as big as the arc from the bible but it will be big enough to hold me. That's the important thing. It's a great design. It has a smooth shape, it's the right colour for me, it doesn't make loud noises. I don't know if it's water-tight yet. That's next on the list.

Claire

Claire's Diary 11/07/2015

11/07/2015

Dear diary

I am so good at making paper boats! Every boat I have ever made has floated on the surface of any lake with the greatest of ease. Now the time has come for a challenge. I will build a full sized boat that can hold actual people in it! Maybe a really really big one like Noah's arc and I'll put 2 of every dumb animal on board. I bet that arc took and awful lot of origami.

Claire

Audio Junk #132 - Mr. Flibble is very cross

Claire's Diary 10/07/2015

10/07/2015

Dear diary

Did you know that cows have four stomachs? That's very odd because as far as I'm away they only have one mouth. I'm not sure how many stomachs I have, but I'll believe anything after finding that out! Cows don't like being tipped. I learned that the hard way.

Claire

Cowsplay - Inside Out

Tracy: Disgust

Macy: Joy

Inside out is property of Disney/Pixar Studios

Beluga Weekly #337

Feel free to comment!

Claire's Diary 09/07/2015

09/07/2015

Dear diary

I feel I may have eaten too much chocolate today. I haven't weighed myself in a long time so maybe sometime soon I ought to make adjustments to my diet. I've had 17 chocolate bars in the last 4 hours so if I'm hungry later, I'll just have a carrot. And maybe a glass of water. I would skip dinner, but that usually results in me feeling incredibly hungry during the night. If I hear my stupid stomach rumbling while I'm trying to sleep, I have to go to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Sometimes when I don't wake up.

Claire

Claire's Diary 08/07/2015

08/07/2015

Dear diary

I never thought I'd see a biscuit so immense until today! During a trip to the bakery, I got friendly with one of the bakers and he made me a special giant chocolate chip cookie! It was so big, you'd have to keep it lying horizontal in order to prevent it from blocking out the sun!

It's all gone now.

Claire

Claire's Diary 07/07/2015

07/07/2015

Dear diary

Is it too late to be making pancakes? I feel like I missed out on pancake day so I decided to make some in the space between lunch and dinner. Lunchinner I think they call it? Or Lupper. It feels weird making pancakes in July. I'm not very good at tossing them but I'm even worse at flipping them with the old wooden spatula. I don't really feel like pancakes actually. Too late though. Might as well have one.

Claire

Claire's Diary 06/07/2015

06/07/2015

Dear diary

I hate to sound like a technophobe, but there are a few things in computing that I simply do not trust.

Video conferencing: I always feel weird when I talk to people via webcam. They won't look at me in the eye because their gaze is fixed to their own monitor!

Wireless mice: Mice need wires. If you have to put batteries in them, you have lost.

Tablets: The tablet wants to be a mouse so badly when all it is, at the end of the day, is a glorified track-pad.

Twitter: I'm not on Twitter, nor do I ever intend to be. What puts me off is that everybody I know who uses it announce everything that's going on in their lives and then wonder why their email accounts are getting hacked!

Podcasts: What's the point? Why do I want to download an mp3 of people chatting when I hear that everywhere I go?

Gotta go. I've just noticed a post that says I won't believe what happens next and I'm dying to know!

Claire

Claire's Diary 05/07/2015

05/07/2015

Dear diary

Weather is too good to write one of these so I'll try not to spend too much time on this today. I keep noticing there is a strangely large gap between two of the toes on my left foot. I don't know why the gap is wider than it is on my right foot. I seem to have more strength on the left half of my body. My left hip seems to move more freely and when I smile, the left side of my mouth seems to stretch further... does that mean I'm having a stroke?! If so, this must be the slowest stroke since records began. If there are records on time taken for a stroke to take place. I've been like this for a very long time so it's hardly likely to be a stroke. I might get sun stroke if I stay outside for too long.

I've just realised I said I was gonna keep this short, but now I seem to have made this entry much longer than usual. Oh well.

Claire

Claire's Diary 04/07/2015

04/07/2015

Dear diary

Am I the only one who thinks that cooking eggs is a curious act? I'm not judging anybody, but who's idea was it to take the unfertilised offspring of a bird, break it open so that the juices drip out and onto a frying pan then serve it up as breakfast? I mean, you can't have that idea accidentally surely.

Maybe someday we'll start enjoying brain cells on toast?

Claire

Cowsplay - ComicCon @ WestQuay Southampton (2015)

Tracy and Macy just hanging out at a con.

Tracy: RoboCop

Macy: Indiana Jones

RoboCop is property of Orion Pictures, Indiana Jones is property of Lucasfilm Ltd.

Audio Junk #131 - Greetings and salutations

Claire's Dairy 03/07/2015

03/07/2015

Dear diary

I am not a messy eater. I just don't have enough time to finish a meal properly. Last night, I had to rush a plate of beans on toast. I didn't think I was going to make it in time! Eventually I realised I didn't have a reason to be eating so fast. Note to self: Indigestion is not worth punctuality. Especially if it involves fart inducing food products.

Claire

Cowsplay - Disney Princesses

Stay tuned for an extra special edition of Cowsplay showing up right here this weekend!

Tracy: Belle

Macy: Rapunzel

Disney Princesses are property of Disney

Beluga Weekly #336

Feel free to comment!

Claire's Diary 02/07/2015

02/07/2015

Dear diary

I'm getting closer to fulfilling my lifelong desire to pilot a flying saucer! As soon as I've finished building my own private space craft, I'm going to take to the skies, maybe go into space, boldly go where no stupid bunny has gone before, visit Mercury, get a tan, meet Marvin the martian and get some cool photos for my Instagram.

This might turn out to be more trouble than it's worth. In fact, forget it I'm having a night in.

Claire

Claire's Diary 01/07/2015

01/07/2015

Dear diary

There used to be a time when nobody used the internet to send their emails. They had to rely on pieces of paper with the message scribbled over it, placed into a dumb envelope with the address of the recipient on the back and a small square with a tiny photograph placed at the corner. That was what they did. I pity those poor souls.

Also spam came in tins.

Claire

New Stuff #14 now on Magcloud!