Claire's Diary 30/06/2015

30/06/2015

Dear diary

A good science experiment will answer questions you never even thought to ask. That's why I have been adding various different detergents to my baking tray. I hate washing that thing. It's like trying to give an orca a bubble bath. If science can't make my dishes clean, nothing can.

Claire

Claire's Diary 29/06/2015

29/06/2015

Dear diary

Remember those flowers I found right at the back of my garden? Well, they keep growing. I feel like I should move some of them into flower pots. This could go on for a long time. After all, I don't know who planted them in the first place. Now they seem to be breeding and I could end up with an entire greenhouse full of flowers in pots.

Or I could just dispose of them but that doesn't seem right considering they're orphans.

Claire

Claire's Diary 28/06/2015

28/06/2015

Dear diary

Florence is, without a doubt, the most complicated friend I have ever made. I wish we could have fun, but she isn't much of a conversationalist, so I don't know what she considers fun. I don't even know if she likes having fun at all. Seriously, I would give anything to know what she is feeling. I hope I can learn how to read minds pretty soon because her face isn't telling me anything.

Maybe I should just take her phone away.

Claire

Claire's Diary 27/06/2015

27/06/2015

Dear diary

I got a shock looking in the mirror today and finding out that one of my teeth has been chipped. This is very bad timing because I intend to eat a stick of rock this evening. Hopefully it will repair itself in time.

Claire

Audio Junk #130 - Whocaresosaurus

Claire's Diary 26/06/2015

26/06/2015

Dear diary

Something happened today that did not look pretty. I regret to announce that yours truly was in fact the culprit. I accidentally tore the fabric of space and time. I don't know if what I have created is a black hole, worm hole, quasar or void but one thing is for sure. There will be consequences. I cannot prevent that certainty.

I think I'll go to the pictures now.

Claire

Cowsplay - Dirty Pair

Tracy: Kei

Macy: Yuri

Dirty Pair is property of Nippon Sunrise

Beluga Weekly #335

Feel free to add a bunch of comments below!

Claire's Diary 25/06/2015

25/06/2015

Dear diary

I can't play a musical instrument so that's something for me to work out. I think I'll get myself a guitar and one of those books with the stupid lines and dumb round bits that have lines poking out of them. I think they're called polo mallets. Not sure what type of music I will play, but I'm definitely gonna form a band. Maybe Florence will join if it turns out she can play tambourine. I still don't know anything about her.

Claire

Claire's Diary 24/06/2015

24/06/2015

Dear diary

A friend of mine made a good point today. He said I should try swimming at the deep end of the pool because that should help me get over my fear of water. It's true that I have avoided going anywhere near the deep end of any swimming pool. I think this is a good idea. There's just one problem. I'm going swimming tomorrow. Now that deep end is suddenly looking a lot deeper.

I need better friends.

Claire

Claire's Diary 23/06/2015

23/06/2015

Dear diary

Time for a coffee break. So what's new? Seen any good films lately? Is Jurassic World any good? Nice shoes. Where did you get those? Will you be going to the party at flat 14 tonight? Oh you didn't know about that? Should be fun as long as nobody complains to us about the noise.

Now back to work!

Claire

Claire's Diary 22/06/2015

22/06/2015

Dear diary

If oranges are called oranges, why aren't lemons called yellows? Or pears called greens? That would bring new meaning to the phrase, "eat your greens". Also, who originally discovered that pineapples are edible? I tip my hat to whoever that was. They're so prickly it's basically a fight with nature to get past that firm outer skin. And what is the point of eating an apple if you're not gonna eat the core?

Fruit is boring.

Claire

Claire's Diary 21/06/2015

21/06/2015

Dear diary

I don't feel like going anything productive today. I'm just going to put my feet up and enjoy a refreshing drink while watching the world go by. The weather has been nice today. Don't think I'll be going outside, but this drink is pretty good. It's passable. I don't know what it is. It doesn't have any ingredients listed on the packaging. I just found it at the back of the fridge. Not my fridge, a friend's fridge.

I should stop stealing from my friends.

Claire

Claire's Diary 20/06/2015

20/06/2015

Dear diary

Everyone is talking about that new Jurassic Park movie. I don't like dinosaur flicks. You can tell that they're made from plasticine. Or rubber. I don't know. I do like the Aardman films because they do it in a self-aware fashion. Wallace and Gromit were the pioneers of the school of claymation that was like "Yeah, we know we're fake, wanna make something of it?".

King kong was serviceable.

Claire

Audio Junk #129 - Forget Me Not

Claire's Diary 19/06/2015

19/06/2015

Dear diary

I keep seeing dogs wearing studded collars. It's a little weird to me. I don't know who wants this, the dog or the owner.

In fact, I don't know why they wear collars at all. Or why they have owners. Most of these dogs are friends of mine. I don't have to wear a collar. I don't have to be led everywhere on a leash by my master. I don't even have a master! This is cruel, dogs should have more self-respect!

Oh well, such is life.

Claire

Cowsplay - Gravity Falls

Tracy: Dipper Pines

Macy: Mabel Pines

Gravity Falls is property of Disney

Beluga Weekly #334

Comments are welcome here!

Claire's Diary 18/06/2015

18/06/2015

Dear diary

I used to have a lot of fun with helium. I loved making my voice sound like that of a rodent of the munk variety. Now when I try it, I end up sounding like Cubert from Futurama.

Claire

Claire's Diary 17/06/2015

17/06/2015

Dear diary

Everyone has gone bananas! I've gone bananas, my family has gone bananas, my friends have gone bananas, my doctor has gone bananas, my bus driver has gone bananas, my bank manager has gone bananas, my lawyer has gone bananas, my hairdresser has gone bananas, my dance instructor has gone bananas, my boss has gone bananas, my internet provider has gone bananas and my postman has gone bananas.

Anyway, how are you?

Claire

Claire's Diary 16/06/2015

16/06/2015

Dear diary

I'm getting ready to go to the farmers' market and I know exactly which stall I'm heading to first!

C is for the crunch as I chop away

A is for the awesome way they make my day

R is for the radiance of their sun tanned skin

R is for the rotting of the ones I throw in the bin

O is for the other vegetables I do not care about

T is for a type of fish known as a trout...

Sorry, my mind tends to wander from carrots to seafood. I don't know why that is.

Claire

Claire's Diary 15/06/2015

15/06/2015

Dear diary

Let's go fly a kite
Up to the highest height
Let's go fly a kite
And then get some chips with curry sauce and maybe then we could go clubbing and grab a few cocktails

Claire

Claire's Diary 14/06/2015

14/06/2015

Dear diary

Some days I feel like I'm about to explode. It's a horrible feeling that just makes me so tense and agitated.

Today is not one of those days. I have a lot to look forward to and nothing to complain about.

Claire

Claire's Diary 13/06/2015

13/06/2015

Dear diary

It's been a very long time since I unclogged the drain in my bathtub. To be honest, I fear what goes on down there. I wouldn't be surprised if 17 spiders have moved into it and are enjoying the protection of all the soggy clumps of hair and shampoo and all that muck that stands over their heads like an umbrella.

Spiders are gross.

Claire

Audio Junk #128 - Fred the frog

Claire's Diary 12/06/2015

12/06/2015

Dear diary

Never fear, Captain Claire is here! Bringing justice to your town, fighting for peace among the nations and wearing ridiculously colourful spandex!

What will she do? Where will she go? Who will she meet? What adventures lie before her?

OK, the garden needs tending to. Better do that.

Claire

Cowsplay - Jay and Silent Bob

Tracy: Silent Bob
Macy: Jay

Jay and Silent Bob are property of Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes/View Askew Productions

Beluga Weekly #333

Feel free to leave a bunch of comments!

Claire's Diary 11/06/2015

11/06/2015

Dear diary

There's something in the vent that's making a lot of noise. It's a sort of humming sound. I wouldn't have minded, but whoever is humming keeps doing it completely out of tune. I must find this individual and tell him/her/it to stop.

Did I mention I'm claustrophobic?

It's hard to write in this dark, narrow place.

Claire

Claire's Diary 10/06/2015

10/06/2015

Dear diary

I hate it when I get back home after a day out and find a red card on my mat instructing me to reschedule an order for my delivery. Partly because I feel stupid that I knew when I was expecting my parcel and could have avoided the situation by staying in, but mostly because the handwriting on those red cards is usually indecipherable.

Claire

Claire's Diary 09/06/2015

09/06/2015

Dear diary

Ahoy there mateys! Welcome to the good ship Claire's Diary! I be your captain on this fine vessel. Expect plenty of fish fingers and ice burgers!

By the way, if this ship goes down, please allow the women and children to go first.

I've just realised, if this dumb ship does go down the captain will have to go down with it.

I'm off to find another captain.

Claire

Claire's Diary 08/06/2015

08/06/2015

Dear diary

Florence is really hard to connect with. I gave her some flowers picked straight from my garden (still not sure if that patch actually counts as my garden) and she didn't bat an eye. I can't remember if she thanked me or not because her attitude is so generic, I never remember anything she says.

I even tried to impress her with some cake that I made. Nothing. Well, I say made, I helped somebody make it. OK, bought, I bought her some cake.

I am trying!

Claire

Claire's Diary 07/06/2015

07/06/2015

Dear diary

I have always been a big fan of ice cream, but never a big fan of brain-freezes. I wish someone could invent a stupid desert that won't give you an ice cream headache. The only desert I know of that doesn't, is apple pie and I'm pretty sure that's because I have it with custard instead of ice cream. I would have chocolate ice cream with my apple pie but the two don't go together very well. I never eat vanilla ice cream. Whose idea was that? Flowers should not be made into dairy products.

Claire

Claire's Diary 06/06/2015

06/06/2015

Dear diary

I've spent most of my Saturday practising some yoyo tricks. It's been hard. I think I've nearly got it. I just need to figure out how to make it come back up after it has gone down.

Did that sound suggestive?

Claire

Audio Junk #127 - Six down, six to go!

Claire's Diary 05/06/2015

05/06/2015

Dear diary

I'm gonna have another night in with salty snacks and Movie Mix. I don't care if people are having parties nearby. It doesn't bother me that I haven't been invited to any of them. I can have my own party! What's on tonight? The Long Island Incident. Yeah, I'll give that a watch.

I'm not lonely.

Claire

Cowsplay - Alice's Adventures In Wonderland

Tracy: The Mad Hatter

Macy: The Cheshire Cat

Beluga Weekly #332

Feel free to leave a bunch of comments below!

Claire's Diary 04/06/2015

04/06/2015

Dear diary

I really wish I had the ability to fly. Maybe I can make i happen if I flap my arms really fast and watch as many episodes of Jimbo as I can get hold of, I'll succeed in becoming the world's first flying bunny!
Imagine how dumb people will feel looking up at me as I soar over their heads! It will be amazing. I just hope I can do it.

I'd better not crash land in any lakes. That sounds horrible. I don't want to learn to fly now.

Claire

Claire's Diary 03/06/2015

03/06/2015

Dear diary

I found the best pair of pyjamas today! I never want to take them off, ever! I will soon be spending my first night in them. Just a couple more hours and it's off to bed. I never sleep well. I always dream about crocodiles or angler fish or spider monkeys. Not that I'm prejudiced or anything, they just tend to do creepy things in my dreams.

I might just stay up tonight. In my pyjamas.

Claire 

Claire's Diary 02/06/2015

02/06/2015

Dear diary

I love taking baths! Remember when I talked about my fear of water somehow doesn't affect me when I take baths or showers? Well, I think I've worked it out. It's because I have my submarine! If I had my submarine with me at the pool, I would have nothing to worry about.
Unless of course, it gets into a battle with enemy subs.

Claire

New Stuff #13 is here!

New Stuff #13 is now available on these platforms!

Claire's Diary 01/06/2015

01/06/2015

Dear diary

There's a cartoon of milk in my fridge that must have been in there for over 3 weeks and I don't think I should go on making use of it. I sniffed it earlier but I couldn't tell if it was off or if my nostrils smell bad.

Bad milk tastes like strawberries.

Claire